Attention celebrities! Are you tired of being hounded to death (sometimes literally) by those annoying paparazzi and their in-your-face guerrilla tactics? Can't get a moment of privacy while trying to do something as simple as shop, eat out, or go to a museum? Tired of paying for expensive bodyguards who are sometimes sleepy, slower than you, too pushy, or easily distracted by members of the opposite (or same) sex? Well, it's time for REVENGE, American-style, without fears of legal issues, messy and expensive cosmetic surgery, or permanent career damage as you bruise your knuckles defending your rights against some tabloid's wannabe Weegee! Introducing STALKERAZZI.COM, an online magazine where YOU get to turn the tables on these pests and get the satisfaction of seeing THEM in uncomfortably compromising positions on the Internet! That's right, stars: get out your cameras (standard, disposable, or digital), stake out some choice real estate, and get ready to do some of your very own shutter-bugging!

The simple fact is this: these guys do what they do, don't respect your privacy at all, and get paid thousands of dollars (or more) for one blurry, skewed photo of you in an uncompromising position. YOU already have the money, so why not go after these guys when they're unguarded and catch them by surprise on that night out on the town! That's right, it's all the fun of STALKING and all the skill and quick reflexes of tabloid PHOTOGRAPHY combined legally, just like the paparazzi say they have the right to do! Having trouble with on-set lurkers and crazed fans? Have at them with a few snaps from your own camera, and watch them scoot away like ants on fire! Pretend you're drunk off your ass while exiting a limo at your favorite night spot, and when the vultures circle, whip out your...CAMERA, and teach them some manners! When you get home (or to your hotel, or anywhere you can log on), simply follow the easy instructions and post your pics online at the STALKERAZZI.COM web site...For FREE! Snap! Click!1-2-3...POST! it's THAT simple!

BUT WAIT, THERE'S MORE!!!


Act now, and you just may win your very own ACADEMY AWARD! For the ultimate gag, let info leak from your blabby publicist (the one you really want to drop like a hot stone) that you're getting married on some secret island paradise (different sizes available at an additional charge), and watch the buzzards swarm...to their doom! That's right, you can host and film the ultimate stalk-off, where you finally take out the trash...permanently! And you won't even have to lift a finger! For a small fee, our trained assassins will be disguised as hotel maids, sommeliers, porters, and even hookers (a Hollywood favourite come Oscar time), and one by one, dispatch any and all persons you choose at any time during your stay! YOU select the victims! YOU choose their method of expiration, YOU can even DIRECT the action if you want to! No more asking "What's my motivation?" or wishing you were getting a cucumber/ginger facial instead of hanging from an uncomfortable harness in front of some damn green screen for 11 hours! It's like Ten Little Indians meets Friday the 13th , with a dash of that mainstream romantic comedy you passed up to do that indie art film for scale last year...Only BETTER! You're completely absolved of any blame because you'll be acting the part of the terrified survivor! The media and your fans will eat it up, and you'll get even MORE privacy, as your NEW publicist (also available at a modest fee) will leak out news that you're "recuperating" at our secluded rest resort, while you're really in Toronto or Sheboygan, working on that pet project you've been dreaming about!

Call NOW, and we'll include access to STALKERAZZI II: THE SEQUEL, and STALKERAZZI: THE SERIES (currently being optioned to Showtime, HBO, and FX)- at NO ADDITIONAL CHARGE! Now, how much would you pay for the AMAZING service? $2,000,000? $1,000,000? Well guess what? This SPECIAL offer can be yours for the LOW, LOW price of ONLY $19.99, a one-time fee that sets you up for LIFETIME membership in STALKERAZZI.COM, and lets you post and even host the site for up to two months on your own server! $19.99! That's LESS than the cost of a catered organic poppy bagel with Nova and a cuppa joe with Sweet 'N Low on the side! What are you waiting for? OPERATORS ARE STANDING BY- CALL NOW!

(Read this disclaimer quickly for best results: This offer subject to change at any time. Offer void where prohibited, and subject to all applicable state and local sales taxes and other charges. Assassin fees are not refundable, and may be taxable/tax exempt in some states. Small child stars should use this product under adult supervision. Financing available for ensemble casts. Island fees do not include tuxedo/gown fees, nor food costs. Batteries not included, Some assembly required.)

(to be continued)...

Labels: Humor?

  ¶ 9:47 AM